DISCLAIMER: Tod Farkus does not live in Washington. He lives in Maine. He really has no plans to break into Nintendo Headquarters. He has never broken into the Nintendo HQ. The pictures of games and images that are being showcased are fake. That means that all the greedy lawyers who'd love to grab this man of mystique by the balls have no case. So there. Na na boo boo.

 

August 9th, 2001. A day that will live in infamy...

The bunker...I came to Nintendo Headquarters on a mission. All over the internet, there has been rumors that deep in the HQ there are games and objects that the world has yet to see. So I, taking it upon myself, decided to unearth the secrets that lay below. I brought a few items. A zapper (I'm such a pacifist), a flashlight (X-Files taught me that), and a brick that had the name "Coyote Moon" written on it. I also brought a sack so I could stuff the games to bring to the outside world.

 

 

 

 

 

For the idiots at home, this is a picture of a brick going through a window.

Using the secret techniques I learned while in the desert of the Sahara by a secluded tribe that shall not be named, I slipped through the extremely narrow opening that my brick had made in the window. I lunged into the lobby and did a somersault with catlike prowess and the silence of one hand clapping. I took a quick look at my surroundings, only to realize I was in a hall of mirrors, like in Enter the Dragon. Just to be in the moment. I did my best kung fu scream as I karate-chopped a mirror. I think I broke my pinky in the process.

Oh yeah. Can't get through an article without a martial arts scene...

 

 

 

 

Walking down the mirror hall, I ran into a crazy rent-a-cop. After training in tae kwon do in a Chinese monastery deep in mountains by a foggy lake, I knew this cop was going to feel plenty of pain. I layed the smackdown, and broke his solarplexus, rendering him useless. I saw another one, but he killed himself with a pair of nunchukus. Hey, business has been slow with the Nintendo 64, so he was probably out of practice. And 80 years old.

 

 

Games Discovered During Infiltration --- These games were found and played, and these shocking reviews will convince you of dark goings-ons at the Nintendo HQ.

FULL SPEED AHEAD! Too lazy to hit the 'back' button? Oh well, who am I to argue, [blah] [blah] [blah].