During my infiltration of the Nintendo Headquarters, I came across some mighty tasty selections of games that were obviously not meant to hit the public. I had to move quick, so I didn't have time to take screenshots of the games. I did however, play them briefly and take pictures of their cart designs. Those sickos, oh the horror.
CHRIST! What the hell was Nintendo thinking?! The media would've jumped on this and ripped it apart. It essentially plays like Doom, but this time you play with a Zapper. Wait, I'm trying to remember what I thought this game played like... Hmm... Oh, yeah! It plays like GoldenEye for N64!. The interesting part about this game is that Nintendo didn't withhold any gory, gut-wrenching details. I'm sure they were going to give this to the Army (I figured that out by the title), but I bet the Army was concerned that Mario is a communist. Intriguing.
What a way to capitalize off a famous event. I don't blame them though. Who doesn't want to see mass rioting?! Fire up the barbecue, baby. Interestingly enough, Rockstar Games is making a game much like this for the Playstation 2. This game plays pretty much like the original Mario games, with a twist. Mario has Molotov cocktails for a weapon as well as signs that promote peace and good-will, as well as the needed "Don't be a fool, stay in school!" message before the game starts. It's like the Care-Bears with freakin' grenades. This game would have made a fortune...
Actually, this game was released to the market under the much tamer name of "World Class Track Meet", but as I figured, Nintendo had a darker, more sinister side. Play the game, and the first thing you'll notice is that all the characters are all white (those racist @$#%@#$%!), and that there is a character named "Pimp Mack Daddy" (later changed to the worse "Bear") who could clear every hurdle, while my white slow idiot couldn't clear one hurdle. They later changed the game so da' pimp couldn't clear one hurdle, while my idiot was a freakin' marathoner. They essentially castrated a realistic game so that the mean mack daddy was a turtle, (but not the Turtle, who is ironically white, so I guess that they accidentally left him in that position). Racism ain't the key, Nintendo. Realism is.
I bet you're thinking that this game really did hit the market. It's true, it did. But during my search, I found an old memo scolding Jim (last name omitted to protect the idiot from a drive-by maiming) the manufacturer, as he accidently released the game, thinking it was actually the one that was supposed to be released. It was too late to effectivly pull it off the market, so Nintendo pretended it was a release, and even went as far as to give some hints for it to fake out the public. Well, you saw it folks. The truth was out there, and I swiped it from the Nintendo lair. Nintendo is living a lie, and maybe they'll confess to it some day.
Anybody who has ever read a business news magazine has always found at least one golf item in it. Business and golf go together hand in hand. So Nintendo decided that for executives who are 'overly stressed' and their limo can't be fixed until tomorrow, can wheel-and-deal and try the back 9 at the same time. Also, I found an old memo in the game's box, which said they'd throw in a fountain pen with a reciept and proof of purchase of the game. This game would be the talk of all those damned executive coffee huts.
Finally, Nintendo makes a game after an awesome cult classic, and they cancel at the last second to go to Super Nintendo. I was amazed at how awesome this game. It goes from RPG to action seamlessly. Try your best to save all the blind orphans, and make sure you don't lose your motorcycle. Even the ominous slide-whistle is in the game, and it happens if you kill 3 zombies at once. Folks, write to Nintendo and tell them to make this game public!
I think we all know the gang stereotypes. Each gang has a 'color'. Each gang has a leader and a bunch of toadies. But how come gang wars aren't fun and energetic? Nintendo explored this category with detail, as different Power Pad events became available as you won. My personal favorite of the bunch was the one in which the winner was whoever could outrun the cop fastest after stealing the fuzz' donuts.
Nowadays, so many middle-class white kids try to pretend they're 'from the ghetto'. Theses kids survived the 'mean streets of Suburbia' and now they feel anxious to make a rap record on how they survived on 'only a 20 dollar allowance and a Lexus in the garage'. This game shows what happens when the Suburbanites decide they are going to go 'gangsta' style' on the kid who came from the West Coast. There is also a freestyle rap session in which the ghetto survivor can feel like he made it out alive. I don't know much about rap, but it just seems like a bunch of rich kids trying to act cool by using poetry I learned in second grade, mixing it with champagne and cars and money, and then trying to pretend they ain't got nothing. Where's the Prozac?
Okay mouseketeers, now is your chance to stop reading. No, really. Anyway, if you were like me when I was 7, you probably went to Disney Land at one point, and, like me, were utterly terrified. That "It's A Small World After All" ride almost made me piss my pants in unbridled fear. Anywho, the rides in this game are possessed by demons, according to the dusty manual I found, and you have to survive the rides and figure out who sicced the demons on the park. Whoever it is (I never beat the game, as I was running short on time), I bet he probably says "I would've gotten away with it too if not for you meddlesome kids." Those silly punks.
This game was in a dusty old box that had been sent from Europe. Apparently this game was developed in Europe, and they planned a world release. In a memo with the game, the people who printed the manuals ran out of ink when they were manufacturing the game, and by then, some obscure Scottish parent-videogame-watchdog thought this game was offensive. Not that the main character was a drunkard armed with a broken bottle and trained in the art of soccer hooliganism. They thought that killing the Loch Ness Monster at the end of the game might give some the idea that Nessie was just folklore. That would kill tourism. And I think it would hurt poor Nessie's feelings that she was regarded as evil.
Okay Nintendo, what made you stoop to this low? Anyway, if not for the horrid theme, I'm sure this game could have been really good. I mean, the controls were solid, and the graphics were fine, but what the hell was that whole anti-drug tthing about. I dug up some history and found that Nintendo wanted to make a game that would make kids more socially aware of their enviroment. Luckily, when the higher-ups heard that Nick the janitor made this game, it wasn't release. All those programmers must have thought it was funny to pass the assignment to him. Good job Nick, you made a valiant effort.